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KUFFAR'S JOKES


"Allah did not create man so that he could have fun.
The aim of creation was for mankind to be put to the test through hardship and prayer.
An Islamic regime must be serious in every field.
There are no jokes in Islam.
There is no humor in Islam.
There is no fun in Islam.
There can be no fun and joy in whatever is serious." -- Ayatollah Khomeini



Welcome, this place is to us, the non-muslims, who are blessed with sense of humor (something that miss the average muslim).





Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
Neither did I.

Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion.


Female Comedian In Burqa: My husband is so fat ...

Palestinian Men In Crowd: How fat is he?

Female Comedian In Burqa: My husband is so fat it took two bombs to blow him up.


This one is a master piece. It's not a made up joke it's really taken from the Koran:

Volume 5, Book 58, Number 188:

Narrated ‘Amru bin Maimun: "During the pre-lslamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them."

( someone at least explained to that she-monkey what was "illegal sexual intercurse"??)


Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.

Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.

Q. What's the difference between ET and Muslims?
A. ET got the point and went home.

Q. What can Saudi Arabia do to raise the average IQ in the country?
A. Allow Jews to come in.

Q: What's the difference between Dar al-islam and Dannon yogurt?
A: The yogurt has a living culture.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.

Q: Where do you find a Muslim with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in England?
A: Any female under the age of eighteen.
Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in France?
A: Any female under the age of sixteen.
Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in Islam?
A1: Any female under the age of nine.
or
A2: Any goat that can run faster than an Muslim.

Q: Why does Osama make his wives wear veils?
A: Because he gets jealous when their mustaches are bigger than his.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"


Q:How Many Muslims Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?
A:None. They sit on the dark and blame the jews.





Iran Pledges to Reveal Future Secret Nuke Sites
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2010-09-10) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today repeated his frequent declaration that Iran’s nuclear program is for energy only, and promised the international community that he would reveal any future secret Iranian nuclear site plans as soon as he became aware of them.

“If the Islamic Republic were building a secret nuclear facility, I would tell you,” the Iranian leader said at a news conference. “If, instead of merely providing for our own electricity needs, we were actually secretly building nuclear missiles to wipe Israel from the face of the map, do you think I would not openly confess this before Allah and the world?”

Mr. Ahmadinejad also said he would give 60-days notice “before unleashing any surprise attacks on Israel using the missiles that we almost certainly do not have, to the best of my recollection.”

“We always tell the truth about our clandestine military activities to everyone,” the president said, adding that his government plans to launch a website next week to make public all of Iran’s nuclear secrets and covert military research projects.



Obama Mulls Fatwa Against 24% Who Think He’s Muslim
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2010-08-19) — The White House today refused to comment on reports that President Barack Obama has considered seeking a fatwa — a kind of religious ruling — against the 24 percent of Americans who incorrectly think he’s a Muslim. However, the president did clarify that a fatwa, despite popular misconception, does not necessarily involve a death sentence.

The question dogged the chief executive during a rare vacation day, as he stepped off a schooner with his family, in the wake of a new Time magazine survey that shows an increasing number of Independent voters thinks he’s Islamic, despite that fact that he’s a Christian currently between churches.

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “Our Constitution, as of this moment, is still the supreme law of the land. So, as an American citizen, I’m free to seek spiritual counsel from whomever I please. Whether I’ve asked for a fatwa or not, is between me and my mufti.”

Simultaneously, in the White House press room, spokesman Robert Gibbs said one out of four Americans are wrong about Mr. Obama’s religious faith.

“The president of the United of States, who meets all of the Constitutional requirements of the presidency, is not a Muslim,” said Mr. Gibbs, adding, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Muslim. As he said at the Ramadan dinner, we don’t discriminate on the basis of religion, so every American has a right to build a mosque in Lower Manhattan as long you comply with local zoning laws. Not that he has an opinion on the Ground Zero mosque either.”
- – - – - – - – - – -



NASA to Put Muslim on Moon Using Muslim Technology
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2010-07-08) — The White House today announced a bold new program consistent with NASA’s top priority to help Muslims “feel good about their historic contribution in science and math and engineering,” as the space agency’s chief, Charles Bolden, recently told al Jazeera TV.

Echoing the words of President John F. Kennedy in March of 1961, President Barack H. Obama told a joint session of Congress, “I believe this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of landing a Muslim on the Moon, and returning him safely to Earth using only Muslim technology.”

According to Mr. Bolden, NASA engineers are already “close to testing” a solid rocket booster powered by combustible animal dung, and operated according to principles discovered by Ibn Al-Haytham, Islam’s best-known scientist, who died in 1039 A.D..

While President Kennedy put a 10-year deadline on his moon-landing challenge, President Obama said he hopes to achieve this new daring goal “before the millennium is out.”

Meanwhile, the chief researcher at Yemen’s Muslim World University welcomed the president’s announcement, and offered his colleagues’ assistance in “targeting the moon landing so that the Muslim astronaut could plant the flag of Islam precisely on the lower tip of the lunar crescent, offering him a clear view of that really big star.”


The Imam calls in his two wives, Fatima and Ameena and their goat Farook. He looks at them with a tear in his eye and says to them that it was not Allah's will that a man should have more that two wives.

"Oh right then," Fatima replied, "I'll pack my things. I guess Ameena can feed Farook."



An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "An infidel is sitting on the well."



Some Muslims in London are moaning that there are not enough Muslims on the telly. The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.


4 people in the carriage of a train - a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blond thinks " I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

The Muslim thinks "I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me"

The Jew thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again.


A Somali arrives in London.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says: "Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me, my wife and my 15 children into this country, for giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and the wonderful benefits system!"

The passerby shrugs him off, saying: "I am Lebanese."

The Somali continues on his way, encounters another passerby and says: "Thank you Englishman for having such a beautiful country here in England!"

The passerby shrugs him off, saying: "I am not English, I am from Pakistan!"

Further on, the Somali grabs another chap by the hand and thanks him too, only to be told that the person he had accosted was from Iran.

Eventually, after much more of this "I'm not English" stuff, our Somali finally spies a nice, old lady whom he believes must be English.

He asks, "Are you an English?"

She replies, "No, I am from Iraq!"

Puzzled and slightly exasperated by this time, he asks her: "Where are all the English people then?"

At which point, the old lady checks her watch and says: "AT WORK."


A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."


Q: What's the worst thing about arranged marriages in Islam?
A: No matter who you get, you still end up with a Muslim.


Q: How many Muslims can you fit on a Boeing 747?
A: Who cares - as long as they leave.


Little Ahmed: "Ema, ema, can I lick the bowl clean?"
Mother: "No, just flush it like everyone else."

Q: What do you do if you see five Muslims up to their waists in concrete?
A: Pour more concrete.

Q: What did God say after creating Muslims?
A: "I can do better."


Q: How do you stop an Egyptian tank?
A: Shoot the bastards pushing it.

A British Scientist is giving a lecture, and and announces his findings: "Well, after a long and careful study of Earth's movements and extrapolating them over the next six months, we have some rather shocking findings. There is some bad news and some good news.

The scientist continues, "Well, we have looked at this in great detail, and it appears that these plate movements will cause massive Earthquakes, which will greatly affect Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and the Middle East. In six months time over 50,000,000 Muslims might have been left homeless, starving and even dead. The situation will make it impossible for many people in affected areas to leave the country, too, meaning that individuals won't be able to find refuge in other nations."

The scientist looks at the crowd - they look horrified - he then says, "and the bad news is, it looks like this years FA cup final might have to be cancelled."


Q: How can you tell if a Muslim woman has committed suicide?
A: There are 50 stab wounds in her back.

Q: What does a Muslim do when the dishwasher stops working?
A: He smacks her across the face.

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"
...
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"



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